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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28695486">Gate(s) of Hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon/pseuds/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon'>FluffyGlitterPantsDragon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lucifer (TV), Stargate SG-1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crossover, Gen, Hell, Hell Loops (Lucifer TV), Hell has a lot of doors, Humor, Lucifer is not a Goa'uld, No Sex, Pre-season 1 Lucifer, Sarcasm, Season 2-3 of Stargate, Sorry Not Sorry, Sympathy for the Devil, Wrong Satan, canon-level humor, fight, ish, no ships, rating for canon-typical violence, some language, what is this even</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:09:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,985</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28695486</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon/pseuds/FluffyGlitterPantsDragon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I’ve been on a re-watch binge of SG-1. Somewhere in season 2 or 3, they encounter the alien Sokar, or ‘Satan’. But what if they found the real one?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Wrong Satan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This takes place around 2010, for reasons. I’ve shifted the Gate timeline forward a little, because I can do that, but the same things still happen. Jack could have some truly fuck-awful hell loops, so he doesn’t get one, nor does Teal’c. Daniel has one at the beginning and Sam's is not really talked about. </p><p>Notes for readers who are not familiar with the opposite show this fic is set in and diving in anyway - first, thank you. Second, the Lucifer side is entirely or almost entirely in Hell with only the title character and the demoness Mazikeen as present characters, with random demons that I added and you don’t actually need to know anything about. Gaudium may turn up.</p><p>Anyone unfamiliar with Star Gate - it was not a great movie but a really fantastic TV series with awesome core characters. More or less present day earth people visit other planets through a wormhole, and in the beginning, that’s their only way off- and back on-world, and it’s very limited in the sense few people have real access to it, and the rest of Earth doesn’t really know about it at this point in time. The Major Bad Guys are aliens who take humans as hosts and impersonate Earth’s various gods and deities, including Satan, and at various points in history, took a crapton of people off Earth and enslaved them on other worlds. The Major Allies are advanced little grey aliens and rebel human hosts.</p><p>Series is generally sci-fi tropeville, but still a lot of fun.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Usually, every other planet they step out into resembles Canada, to a borderline suspicious degree, honestly. That or some other environment not unlike Earth’s untamed jungles, swamps or deserts. </p>
<p>In short, blissfully boring. </p>
<p>Anything that wasn’t boring, meant diseases, possible aggressive aliens or other annoyed backwater inhabitants that don’t understand what the gate is for, and slash or an enemy stronghold. That was just the most common set of options.</p>
<p>This time, they at least expected the stronghold one, and prepared for it. The coordinates were supposed to be for a world belonging to Sokar, possibly even his home world. </p>
<p>The probe sent back mixed data. Temperatures and air seemed borderline unlivable and a creature somewhere in the depths glared at the equipment with gleaming eyes before scampering away from it at high speed. Static washed the screen, but what they saw seemed to confirm the destination - a hellish place that looked a lot like one of Sokar’s worlds. </p>
<p>They knew Sokar styled himself after Earth’s mythological Satan. As much as they knew of multiple possible Devil variants, anyway. They already knew he threw himself into the stereotype and trappings of ‘Satan’ - evil and powerful, punishing and torturing his captives, sometimes just for fun.</p>
<p>A real bastard. </p>
<p>System Lords tended to pick a persona and roll with it for as long as was comfortable or as long as it suited them - which tended to the run of their lifespans - which ran long and often ended abruptly and violently. Jack never really saw the appeal, frankly. Thousands of years of living, sure, but with constant enemies and often untrustworthy allies. </p>
<p>Goa’uld didn’t change it up all that often, nor drastically. No reason to, when what they had worked fine, for the most part. They already knew that Sokar transformed the planets he ruled into hellscapes - miserable places that barely resembled the worlds they started as, unlike the rest of the Goa’uld they’d run into. Mostly.  </p>
<p>They knew, or guessed what they usually expect when scouting or assaulting such a planet, except more of it. </p>
<p>In other words, they armed for bear and braced to encounter more of what they already knew. </p>
<p>That was only the first mistake.</p><hr/>
<p>The doors of Hell take many forms. For the most part, they were just that; doors of cells - one for every soul. Some more tailored than others. If Hell were an actual city, it would be massive, but there was rarely a need to move across it. And yet, every door was accessible by branching paths that invented themselves as Hell increased in size in a timely manner.</p>
<p>Dr. Daniel Jackson watched his wife get swallowed by sand. </p>
<p>That wasn’t right, though. </p>
<p>He still couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t change what was happening. He didn’t understand it. </p>
<p>He put her in the sarcophagus, rescued her, and brought her back to life. He stayed behind as the original team went back home. That’s what happened. </p>
<p>Instead, the first things he saw when he came through the gate, were things that made no sense at all. His teammates flickered out of sight almost as soon as they materialized, each with a different expression of fear as they vanished before his eyes. He ran after each of them, losing them. Then he saw his wife. </p>
<p>He died, shot by energy weapons.</p>
<p>He killed her.</p>
<p>She killed him again.</p>
<p>Daniel, again, had his hands out, extended, trying to talk her down, get her to ignore or overpower the symbiote she bore in her body against her will, as she raised the snake-shaped weapon to point at his face.</p>
<p>“Interesting.”</p>
<p>There was someone else present. Daniel risked the glance, identifying the outrageously out-of-place gentleman in what appeared to be a very nice suit, if out of current style. He thought. And a fedora that looked both modern and classic. He wore the suit like a glove, like it could have been meant for a court instead of common attire. </p>
<p>Daniel's attention wavered, his surroundings blurring at the edges like a bad dream. The urge to ignore the guy became irresistible. He looked back to his wife, determined to get through to her, but now she looked back blankly, regarding him with detachment. </p>
<p>No, not him. </p>
<p>She'd gone utterly still. Her sudden lack of response to his pleading, his - damn. He must have been screaming too, his throat felt raw.</p>
<p>She was waiting for something,  some sign, but not from him. </p>
<p>Daniel Jackson swallowed on an aching jaw and straightened. This was her. It had to be her.</p>
<p>But. It couldn't be. This thing looked like his wife, but he started to understand she wasn't. His question came out a croaked, “Sha’re?”</p>
<p>She didn’t respond to him. Instead she turned fully to the man with a questioning look. “My lord?” </p>
<p>He waved her away without really looking at her at all. It was far too much like what Daniel Jackson expected from a Goa'uld not to confirm his suspicions, odd dress aside. To her, or more accurately <em> at her, </em>he said “Take a break, Kray. You should know better than to take this sort of thing upon yourself. We will have words, later.”</p>
<p>Without further ado, Not-Sha’re bowed to him, melted into the floor and vanished. The man, who had never really taken his attention off him and was watching him with <em> intense </em> dark eyes, cocked his head, his voice annoyed, “and what are you doing here?”</p>
<p>Like this was somehow <em> his </em> fault.</p>
<p>Shaken and still not sure about…well, anything, Dr. Jackson attempted to collect himself. The world had shifted, somehow, but was the same. The human - possible host? Had a heavy British accent. Modern, his brain supplied.  No voice change however. “I don’t know. We came through-” he stopped himself, fighting a compulsion to spill everything and suddenly remembering why he was here, if not what happened afterwards. “I found myself here-” this was definitely, currently, a Goa'uld ship with gold-accented hallways tilted inward at the top. Wait, why was he on a ship? Wasn't he just in the desert?</p>
<p>The newcomer raised an eyebrow, looking around more thoroughly. “Well. This is new. I half-expected lab explosions. Still, these cells don’t usually deal with the living.”</p>
<p>Daniel held up a finger to his lips, thinking. Or trying to think. “Wait. Was I caught in rings right as I came out-? No.”</p>
<p>The man sighed heavily. “Unlike nearly everyone else who comes here, you’ll be leaving, as soon as possible. I’m tracking down your friends - one of them is definitely in the wrong afterlife.” He corrected himself, “I believe all of you are in the wrong afterlife, actually, but one is <em> definitely </em> in the wrong <em> place</em>. The five of you will be returned home as soon as you’re all collected.”</p>
<p>As a rule, Daniel didn’t believe anything a captor told him, especially ones that said they’d be letting anyone go. “Five, but we were only four?”</p>
<p>The man grinned. Daniel didn’t care for the look at all.  </p>
<p>“Thanks for that confirmation. It’ll help us track everyone down before too much time has passed where you’re from. Regardless, there’s technically, five of you. I haven’t quite worked out how the one soul seems to be two, or vice versa. It’s causing problems with locating them.”</p>
<p>Dr. Jackson’s mouth tightened. Talk of an afterlife fit right in with Sokar and his stylings, but this man didn’t look <em> anything </em> like a System Lord. They had heard Sokar’s Goa’uld voice and it definitely hadn't been British…"Who are you? And what happened to my wife? Was she ever here?”</p>
<p>“No. <em> That </em> was a stand-in. One of my over-eager demons getting in a little bit of rather unsanctioned practice, incidentally. Luckily for her, she was only messing with you a bit, and hadn’t broken into the physical torture by the time I found you.”</p>
<p>He was getting angrier by the second, but the emotional spike seemed to be clearing his head. “Messing with me? <em> Messing with me? </em> That was my <em> wife!” </em></p>
<p>“Deary me. You have no idea where you are, do you? Well. The vast majority, ironically, never actually figure that out at all.”</p>
<p>His head was still spinning. A part of him thought he should be nauseous and wondered why he wasn’t. Demons. Afterli-… oh no. “Are you saying I’m dead? No, you just said something about ‘the living-”</p>
<p>The man sighed dramatically. “No, not dead. You are, however, in the underworld. In <em> my </em>underworld.”</p>
<p>“Wait, you’re definitely not Sokar.”</p>
<p>“Well. That’s one I haven’t heard in a very long time. But I don’t go by that these days. Lucifer will suffice, if you please. But I most definitely am he.”</p>
<p>Daniel froze. The self-admitted Sokar just said he wasn’t- </p>
<p>Okay. Not dead. Stopped torture. Afterlife. British accent. </p>
<p>Nope. No idea. “Okay, I give up. Where am I? Where are my friends? Are you Tauri?”</p>
<p>Lucifer took a few steps away and puzzled over the door release panel for a moment. “Bloody technology-” He pressed a button forcefully and opened the door of the transport ship he was on. He waved Daniel forward, like an impatient butler. Beyond was... not any planet he’d ever been to. So he said, “I take it this isn’t Netu.”</p>
<p>“Do I honestly have to spell everything out for you? I thought you were the smartest one of the- bother. You’re in <em> Hell </em>, dear Daniel.”</p>
<p>Firmly, he replied, “I didn’t tell you my name. Hell <em> doesn’t </em> exist. This has to be the most elaborate set-up I’ve ever seen a System Lord pull off, but-”</p>
<p>Lucifer’s face went through a series of expressions Daniel often saw on Jack. He had to chuckle in spite of the seriousness of the situation. “I’m beginning to buy that you’re not a Goa’uld, not specifically anyway, not sure about another alien race we haven't-” He paused, looking out the door, puzzled. “But this is still a new planet, or, or, a ship, or...”</p>
<p>“This is most certainly not-”</p>
<p>Something else occurred to him, “why is the Devil British?”</p>
<p>“I’m not British either. I just liked the accent, so I adapted it. Demon-speak is rough on the throat.”</p>
<p>Never one to miss up an opportunity to learn something new, he asked, “and what language do demons use?”</p>
<p>“Lilim.”</p>
<p>“Never heard of it.”</p>
<p>“You’ve heard a lot of languages, have you?”</p>
<p>“I speak around 23. I can read. identify, and sometimes understand more.”</p>
<p>Lucifer gave him a distinct, <em> ‘oh you’re one of those’ </em> looks. </p>
<p>“Wait, as in Lillith? Mother of all demons?”</p>
<p>Lucifer huffed and pointed aggressively at the door. “Get. Out.”</p>
<p>“What’s so important about this sh- room anyway?”</p>
<p>His tone was pure exasperation. “I swear to Dad - It’s a Hell-Loop cell. It’s not yours, specifically, so it’s making do with what it has to work with. Every human soul that comes down here gets one. If you’ll just...<em> Go outside</em>, I can point out many more.”</p>
<p>The layers of ‘something is weird’ continued. “You could have had your... demon throw me out, right? Why not?”</p>
<p>“Because demons in Hell shouldn’t touch living souls. There’s a rather long story that I don’t want to get into just the second. Now, for the love of everything, please leave.”</p>
<p>Daniel looked around one more time, trying to soak up anything important and finally stepping out, and onto hexagonal tiles that he didn’t see or notice before. His mind instantly cleared of fuzz as he stepped out, any remaining haze dissipating like fog. The ramp off the ship immediately vanished, leaving him standing on a walkway with no additional drop.</p>
<p>The previously indistinct feature directly ahead was that of a blue cliff-face that soared upward, miles away. It was higher than their current altitude, if not by a lot, and just a few steps from his feet was a drop off that seemed to be as sheer as the one off in the distance. The contrast of 90 degree angles between the floor and walls were offset by six-sided tiles and rectangular stones (fitted, no mortar) around the door opening behind him. He reflexively gripped the body of his gun - he wasn’t sure why he still had it - and the weight felt reassuring. </p>
<p>The relentless low light and heat bore down on him. If this could really be Hell, though, he didn’t understand what he was breathing. He felt like humoring this guy, maybe he would respond less agitatedly since he seemed determined to convince Daniel they were actually in Hell.</p>
<p>“What am I breathing?”</p>
<p>“<em>Air. </em> Honestly. <em> Scientists </em> are the absolute worst. I should have just knocked you out and flown you to your fellows directly.” </p>
<p>A little bit of fresh hope crawled in. He looked around and then up for possible aircraft though he didn’t hear any. “How far away? Flown in what? I don’t see anything resembling a landing-”</p>
<p>Feathered wings extended out of nothingness from Lucifer’s back with a swift displacement of air, folding out to their full width and spreading majestically outward. They were gleaming white and immediately began registering flecks of the grey ash that fell all around them, like reverse snow, bouncing softly under their own weight.</p>
<p>Daniel Jackson’s brain broke just a little bit, trying to decide if this was another projection by Sokar, or- no, a holographic display wouldn’t pick up physical evidence - an absurdly large amount of rendering computers would be needed to calculate and update the display just for flecks of ash-</p>
<p>Lucifer stepped forward, grabbed him around the upper body while pinning his arms in place and took off.</p><hr/>
<p>Col. Jack O’Neill was not having a great day. </p>
<p>Check that, everything up until the gate transit had been a better than average day. The coffee that morning had been relatively fresh and unburnt, and the cafeteria even had the jam packets in stock that he liked for toast. Sue him, he liked marmalade. </p>
<p>The day started with a plan. Jack liked plans.</p>
<p>When he’d arrived, he’d been facing, apparently, a deserted,  narrow street of some kind, poorly lit. His brain was a bit fuzzy, but he came out of the gate standing, seemed to still have all his gear and currently felt fine, physically. Those checkboxes done, he listened, heard nothing and looked behind him. </p>
<p>A billowing Stargate connection was shooting towards him at terrifying velocity. </p>
<p>He leapt out of the doorway to slam into the opposite wall and braced to be eaten alive by all-consuming energy as it rolled at him like a freight train. </p>
<p>Nothing happened. No wash of light and cooked skin. He looked back to see an empty stone room. Like the walls around him, it was blue-lit, but not from a gate. He started to lean back inside, but as his head crossed the threshold, he got foggy again. </p>
<p>He pulled back, and the effect went away. </p>
<p>Well. No need to go in <em> there</em>. Just to be sure, he angled himself to look at the side interior walls, but there was nothing at all. It was just a room with a stone bench built into one side and absolutely, positively no gate. It wasn't even big enough for half a gate. Something bothered him about the way the room was built, but he couldn't place why exactly. </p>
<p>Jack scratched his head. The event horizon must have been a hallucination, as he was still breathing. </p>
<p>He now found himself alone in a hallway with no roof. He didn’t know what else to call it, as the walls were lined with doors of similar shapes and sizes, and were not buildings, but this was definitely a <em> hallway</em>. </p>
<p>He pressed the radio call button, "Carter? Jackson? Anybody?"</p>
<p>The receiver hissed and died. Not good. He fished out spare batteries and swapped them while keeping an eye on the area. He tried again, getting only static. He looked up, not really sure what he was looking for, and got rewarded with ashfall in his eyes.</p>
<p>Jack wiped his face, cursing the planet in general, and heard a welcome voice from the radio.</p>
<p>"<em>O'Neill </em>?"</p>
<p>"Teal'c? Status? I'm in a...blue...hallway."</p>
<p><em> "There's a body of lava-" </em>, his voice fizzled into static and the handset's light went out again. So he was somewhere that eats batteries like candy. Jackson or Carter will know what to do with that. Once he found them.</p>
<p>Nothing to do now but start moving. Lacking better ideas, he tore a Velcro patch off his uniform and dropped it, in case one of his team came this way later. </p>
<p>Everything was blue or bathed in blue so saturated he couldn't tell otherwise. He tried a few door handles, but none opened for him despite bearing no locking mechanism that he could see. He didn't yet see the point of trying harder to force one open. They were probably just more plain rooms full of invisible gas that made you feel funny. He couldn't puzzle out a good reason for such a set up, but it made him think unpleasantly of an insane asylum. None of the doors had windows to look through, but he didn't hear anything from behind them anyway.</p>
<p>It was eerily quiet. Like Antarctica but somehow worse.</p>
<p>“Hello?” </p>
<p>Nothing answered.</p>
<p>He wasn't yet sure if that was a good thing or not.</p>
<p>He was pretty sure <em> something </em> was watching, however. He picked a direction at the first T-intersection, away from scittering noises - he had exactly two new directions to pick from, so might as well go with 'probably not monsters.'</p>
<p>Something screamed overhead, so that was fun. </p>
<p>At this point, he'd rather deal with half a dozen Jaffa than this heavy silence occasionally cut by sound. </p>
<p>He had gotten down two more corridors...of doors…when a horned creature bodily shoved Samantha Carter out of yet another seemingly random door. It hissed and growled  several words that sounded like rocks having relations, shook its fist and slammed the door shut again.</p>
<p>She fell to her knees and held her head in her hands, pulling at her hair.</p>
<p>"Carter?"</p>
<p>The timing couldn't possibly be a coincidence.</p>
<p>But he couldn’t seem to do anything about it.</p>
<p>Carter was decidedly out of it, and while he preferred not to start a firefight while needing to also tend to a teammate, he wasn’t going to <em> not </em>start one if any of those things got closer.</p>
<p>Jack really wished he had a staff weapon. </p>
<p>Suddenly, a grinning monster with too many teeth leapt at them with spread fingers and shining claws.</p>
<p>He raised his weapon, shooting it on reflex with a short burst and the creature burst into black confetti. </p>
<p>Not what he generally expected things that got shot to do, but okay. Problem dealt with. </p>
<p>Carter took a shaky breath, looking up at the exploded monster floating away in the breeze, mixing with ash. The familiar sound of a gun firing seemed to be the thing that sorted her out. Her head snapped up, finally, actually focusing on him. She adjusted her cap. “Sir?”</p>
<p>“Hey, welcome back, Captain. Are you okay?"</p>
<p>"I...where are we?"</p>
<p>"For now I'm going with 'Worse Oz.' I don't think the address was right."</p>
<p>She looked around, getting to her feet and dusting herself off. "I saw something inside that room. I saw - nevermind, it was obviously a hologram. It had to be."</p>
<p>That sounded better than <em> hallucination</em>. Either way, not dead. "Yeah. I saw one too, but nothing since. Turn off your radio if you haven't tried it yet. This place screws with batteries."</p>
<p>"How's that?"</p>
<p>"My handset died. Teal'c responded, said something about freaking <em>lava </em> and then it died again. He didn't sound any more tense than normal, but it’s hard to say. Nothing from Jackson."</p>
<p>She checked her watch. Dead. She felt her pockets for more batteries and found some but didn't take them out. "Good to know. Maybe batteries that aren't inserted into anything keep a charge. Do you have any more spares?"</p>
<p>"Probably? They usually give us a week's worth of everything when we go somewhere. We can check when we find somewhere safe."</p>
<p>"Okay. Where to? Do you have a destination in mind?" </p>
<p>"I haven't found any real landmarks yet. I'm about ready to see if we can find a way up one of these walls, see if we can get a better vantage point. There's been ash falling since I got out of my box. Nothing pushed me out like with yours."</p>
<p>She looked up, shielding her eyes. "We should look around more first. Have you seen any markings? Did you come from the gate?"</p>
<p>"No to both. I can't remember seeing the gate. I just appeared in a doorway, alone. No offense, but you're definitely you, right?"</p>
<p>"I think so?" She thought about it. "I can recite our return credential code to open the iris, if that helps?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, just-"</p>
<p>"Don't say it out loud. I know. Hmm. You had toast for breakfast. And didn't complain about the coffee."</p>
<p>"That sounds right. You had one of those gross pink yogurts that look like runny pudding."</p>
<p>"What flavor?"</p>
<p>"They have flavor? I dunno. Pink...flavor?"</p>
<p>Sam shrugged. "Sounds about right anyway. Which way?"</p>
<p>It was good to have company. Some of it he could do without, however. "I think we’re being...herded like rats in a maze.”</p>
<p>“...That’s not how mazes work. Sir.”</p>
<p>“Funny you should say that.” A dark-skinned woman said, stepping out from behind a stone pillar. Less stepped and more...congealed from the shadows. He swore there hadn't even <em> been </em>any pillars there a moment before. </p>
<p>She wore tight black leather pants and a jacket and boot combination that looked bizarrely modern, at least for Earth. Not that he knew what was current for young women, exactly; but she wasn’t dressed like one of the country bumpkins they often dealt with more often than not on away missions - no loose furs, no sack-cloth farmer’s covering. She held knives at the ready, loosely gripped in her hands but poised to throw. Clearly, she was a fighter. Maybe an alien, maybe not. She had that ‘don’t fuck with me look’ about her, recognizable a mile away. </p>
<p>Also, hot.</p>
<p>“You are?”</p>
<p>“Mazikeen. Head torturer for Lord Lucifer."</p>
<p>Oh. Good. They were in the right place. </p>
<p>He took a half-step ahead of Carter on instinct, who side-stepped several feet away to give them a better chance to fight back if the woman attacked either one of them singly.</p>
<p>Mazikeen smiled. “I like her. Let's go, we’re expected."</p>
<p>Jack sighted on her and said, “we're all going to stay right there.”</p>
<p>He got a smirk. As if their guns meant nothing, despite just blowing the hell out of whatever tried to attack them a moment ago. He wondered if she’d seen a zat before. Given the battery issue, he probably wasn't going to get much use out of one, however.</p>
<p>Her face changed. Half of it dropped an illusion - or created one - one half almost down the center turned scarred and gnarled, left eye milky white but no less intense. When neither of them reacted to that, she crossed her arms. "Hmph."</p>
<p>“We’ve seen <em> way </em> worse, lady. That doesn’t even break the top ten of what we’ve had to deal with.”</p>
<p>She squinted with the good eye, her scarred facial muscles apparently less responsive, then restored her face to what it looked like before. “C’mon, I’m taking you to the boss. Dunno how you got here, but you don’t belong. He’ll take care of you.”</p>
<p>He sensed Carter tense. Jack swept his camo hat off his head, dislodging a lot of ash. He flapped it, trying to clean it off. “If by <em> take care of us</em>, you mean throwing us into whatever volcano is generating this crap, I think we’ll pass.”</p>
<p>Carter frowned and caught a few flakes of ash in her hand, examining them. “Sir, I don’t think it’s a volcano…”</p>
<p>The woman looked impatient. “It’s not. We do have a lake of fire. Move it before I summon helpers.”</p>
<p>Jack drew himself up a little straighter and flopped his hat back in place. “We’ll stop them too.”</p>
<p>“You really don’t know where you are do you?”</p>
<p>Dripping with sarcasm, “I’m gonna go out on a very far limb and say ‘Hell’, but that’s only sort of where we’re supposed to be.”</p>
<p>A new creature flowed up from between the cracks of the pathway and formed from liquid or mist or something. Alarming, sure, but he wasn’t convinced it wasn’t unexplainable.</p>
<p>Carter swung her gun to aim at the creature, while Jack kept his on Mazikeen. “Sir, I think I agree with your earlier assessment. I don’t think we’re on Natu.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he agreed dryly, “still not the weirdest planet we’ve seen.”</p>
<p>“Granted. More of those things are coming up behind us.”</p>
<p>He didn’t turn to look. Mazikeen put a fist on her hip, looking more and more aggravated. “I will have them carry you in bags if I have to get you away from here. Which is going to happen one way or another.”</p>
<p>Jack continued to ignore the lesser, less-humanoid creature attempting to intimidate them. He was less successful at completely ignoring the sounds of what had to be several creatures approaching from the rear - making more hissing and groaning noises right out of a horror flick. He hoped he kept the concern off his face. The threat of being moved instead of moving under their own power seemed genuine enough. Currently, they weren’t getting restrained and they still had their equipment and weapons. Compliance with one thing might let them keep their gear. “Fine. Lead the way.”</p>
<p>She nodded and turned, swaying her hips provocatively, marching ahead with all the stature of someone who ran the place. Or helped run it.</p>
<p>Carter walked next to him, glancing back occasionally. “This <em> could </em> still be Natu. Lucifer and Sokar are synonymous. It’s too much of a coincidence.”</p>
<p>On principle, Jack agreed, as they still had little to go on and no avenue for returning, literal or otherwise.</p><hr/>
<p>Lucifer deposited Dr. Jackson on a flat bit of ground resembling part of a box canyon with sheer sides and little else. It wasn’t huge, maybe half the size of an ice rink, and unnaturally flat and even. A cave opening stared blankly from ahead of them. He sat where he was dropped, spotting a single spire in the distance with a larger formation on top of a narrow pinnacle. It sort of looked...chair-ish?</p>
<p>Lucifer pointed. "Get inside. It's not a cell, but a general storage area."</p>
<p>Dr. Jackson got up, willing at least to get out from under the heavy sky and seeing no reason to argue. "Hell has storage?"</p>
<p>"Mostly my personal collections that aren't currently in my, for lack of a better term, home. Please don't mess with my things." He paused. "There <em> might </em> be something edible in there but it may not be palatable, so don't risk it."</p>
<p>"Don't worry, I'm not Persephone." It was possible the ash was slightly thinner here, or at least the cave sheltered them from more of it.</p>
<p>Lucifer looked almost melancholy. "You know, most of those stories are based on real events. The real Persephone-" he stuffed his hands in his trouser pockets and his wings drooped. "Anyway. This where you will be, at least until I locate everyone."</p>
<p>Daniel noticed the light on his radio had gone out. He tugged it from his front pocket and turned it over.</p>
<p>“Electronics don’t work down here very well. I’ve tried. The last time I was on Earth, I brought back a ‘mobile phone,’" he used exaggerated finger quotes for some unfathomable reason, "but the battery died quickly. I suspect the time passage differences play a factor.”</p>
<p>Daniel wished he could see where the wings vanished to, or how, but like before he only had a view of Lucifer facing him and they folded back into nothing.</p>
<p>During his graceless transportation, he’d managed to grab a single small feather on the downflap, right before they landed and after he’d gotten his brain adjusted to the weirdness of being carried by a set of wings that weren’t nearly large enough to do such a thing.  He'd hid it immediately in a pocket.</p>
<p>Lucifer hadn't seemed to notice.</p>
<p>“When was that, when were you on Earth last?”</p>
<p>He straightened his cuffs and shrugged, “I hop around a bit. In LA, I believe it was the early 1970’s or before. I visited New York sometime before that and sometime after. I don’t always stop to find the exact year but Earth changed so drastically the last few times, I got very curious.” Lucifer lit wall sconces by no means Daniel could see, but it brightened the area with a dampened red glow that at minimum contrasted with the monotone blue. </p>
<p>“So you don’t use a gate? We only got ours working, well, recently.”</p>
<p>Nodding in another direction, and either misunderstanding Jackson or deliberately mis-interpreting, he said, “there’s the main gates of Hell, plus a few extra passages, cracks here and there. Usually I fly straight up out of here, and my brother drops me right back in before I'm able to really enjoy myself topside.”</p>
<p>If he had literal - or stylized - brothers, or a brother, they might be based off Biblical figures as well. “Michael?” he hazarded.</p>
<p>Lucifer scoffed. “Like that prick would do anything that required real effort unless Dad put a fire under him. Not a literal one, He reserved <em> that </em> for yours truly."</p>
<p>“Dad. Your father? God?”</p>
<p>“Oh, you <em> are </em> a smart one are you? Or a good little Christian boy?”</p>
<p>“I’m considered intelligent, yes, but I’m atheist.”</p>
<p>“Oh, Dad has a field day with those, I’m told. Well, either way you won’t be back here.”</p>
<p>“What makes you say that?”</p>
<p>He looked sad for a moment, on the verge of not answering. “Your soul. It’s positively gleaming. Your companions’ less so from what I can sense so far, but I still expect not to see them here again, nor do I want to, so don't screw it up. The one, however, has a lot of guilt attached to him, he’s borderline, but still on the other side of it.”</p>
<p>“But you’re letting us go?” he asked doubtfully.</p>
<p>“More like ejecting. As soon as possible and forcefully if necessary. I'd prefer to send you all back at once. Already, your superiors may be wondering what happened to you, despite the time differences."</p>
<p>Blandly, he asked, “what makes you think we have superiors?”</p>
<p>“I know <em> military </em> when I see it. Interesting combination - alien hunting along with your scientist self. I wasn’t sure how the apocalypse was going to occur, but it looks like ‘death by aliens glassing the planet’ is now a real possibility. Too bad, I was starting to like the place.”</p>
<p>“You seem awfully talkative for the Lord of Hell.”</p>
<p>“I don’t usually get to talk to humans down there. Not ones with bodies, anyway. You and your friends are a bit more delicate and I had to instruct my demons on pain of a very bad, permanent death not to mishandle you. When I do interact with human souls down here, they don’t enjoy it.”</p>
<p>Daniel started to ask something else, but a woman with black hair and modern clothing strode in and took a knee before Lucifer. "My Lord, I have two of the others. The last one is...evading my searchers."</p>
<p>He gestured for her to rise, then looked over her again. "What are you wearing, Maze?"</p>
<p>She shrugged. "A recent soul was wearing it. I like it."</p>
<p>"You're a demon, not a human."</p>
<p>She appeared unconcerned to be seen quibbling with Lucifer in front of them. "You're not human either."</p>
<p>Jack came in behind her, followed by Carter. Daniel let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. "Nice to see you. I think."</p>
<p>The three of them exchanged glances as the other two argued. Lucifer shot them a look, his pupils abruptly flaming in warning, "Don't even think about it. You two, join your friend. Mazikeen, get back into your armor."</p>
<p>She glowered, turned and left without kneeling again, clutching her knives tightly.</p>
<p>Carter asked, "hey, you okay?"</p>
<p>Daniel nodded, having resumed a seat on the ground. He discreetly patted a pocket to let them know he'd picked up something, and followed up the movement by pulling out a protein bar to snack on.</p>
<p>Lucifer looked oddly interested in the dry, brown bar when Daniel unwrapped it.</p>
<p>“Do you...eat?”</p>
<p>He got a snort in response. “If you think <em> that’s </em> eating, I dread to think what you consider gourmet. Perhaps <em> Wendy’s</em>? If that’s still around. It’s been a few thousand years since-well. Depending on how long it's been, I can make some recommendations."</p>
<p>The three humans looked at each other. </p>
<p>Jack regarded the fallen angel, addressing Jackson, "so, where'd you find Jimmy Hoffa?"</p>
<p>Lucifer turned and looked back out of the cave entrance, "blast, did he escape his cell?"</p>
<p>"I'm talking about <em> you</em>, Einstein."</p>
<p>"Make up your mind. Also I beg your pardon, we look nothing alike, and Einstein isn't even down here."</p>
<p>"That suit looks like it belongs in a black and white movie. Who are you?"</p>
<p>Daniel half-waved and spoke up, "hey guys, meet not-Sokar."</p>
<p>Both Carter and Jack looked quizzically at Lucifer, who on the surface, appeared extremely human and as Daniel noticed before, not at all ornamented or dressed like a leader of Goa'uld.</p>
<p>Lucifer drew himself up. "Apparently it's not clear enough. Definitely not Sokar. Nor Samael, nor Satan. Not Dark Lord, nor a ‘System Lord’. I am Lucifer. <em> Bloody. </em> Morningstar, King of this Dad-Forsaken This-Hole." He shrugged off his jacket with a growl.</p>
<p>Jack groaned dramatically to hide the fact he lost track of the titles. "I did not sign up for Satan Striptease."</p>
<p>Having lost all remaining patience, Lucifer’s skin turned completely red and scarred, shredding his shirt as he increased slightly in size, his bearing turning menacing. "I didn't sign up for intruders in my domain." His voice dropped into a lower, harsher register. His eyes went from flaming irises to full black sclera, rage visible from any angle.  </p>
<p>The presence of the fedora lessened the effect a bit. Still, there was no question he looked like he could tear all of them limb from limb if had a mind to. He took one step forward.</p>
<p>Carter shot him in the chest.</p>
<p>Lucifer laughed, holding his ground and actually looking like someone or something that ruled literal Hell. Daniel dropped his snack bar, glad he was already sitting. Lucifer swept up to Carter, snatched the gun from her and squeezed it in the middle. </p>
<p>It compressed, distorting in his one-handed grip into total unusability. He hissed, his voice resuming a more human quality and deadly quiet, looming over her, "don’t do that again."</p>
<p>Daniel would have fainted, he thought. Carter didn’t blink, but both she and Jack took several involuntary steps backward as he let go of the ruined metal.</p>
<p>He snatched up his suit coat and stomped out of the cave, leaving shreds of his shirt behind and muttering darkly.</p>
<p>Turning to Sam, Daniel asked, “Did he just say something about dry cleaners?”</p>
<p>Jack watched him go. “Do you think he’s coming back?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Time to Science</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I apologize in advance if my sciencey bits make no sense, but to be fair, the show itself goes off the rails too sometimes.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Teal’c, as he did with most things, silently pondered the current Thing That Is His Life.</p><p>He found himself alone; an unexpected result of appearing on the other side of the Chappa'ai upon having entered it with his companions. </p><p>Normally he would not assign a specific attitude for a place, but he got the distinct impression that this world didn’t like him.</p><p>JackONeill would have called it ‘fucking weird’. Perhaps he had already outside of Teal’c’s hearing. </p><p>Upon arrival, he looked for and found no dialing device, but he did find the Chappa’ai, except it appeared to be currently somewhat non-functional. It lay at an angle, tangled up in a heap of what appeared to be doors of all kinds and shapes, almost as if the entire area in which he now stood had been a dumping ground for just 'doors' for years, and perhaps longer. Any debris that existed before the event horizon came into being would have been destroyed, or even likely was, causing the odd pile shape and current position of the gate.</p><p>No doubt Carter will be able to solve the mystery of What Had Happened. In any case, he was unaware of precisely how he had exited the wormhole upright and without mental certainty that he had walked out of it - yet here he stood. Perhaps he was missing a blip of awareness or memory associated with whatever phenomenon had caused them to be separated during or directly upon exiting transition.</p><p>A steady ash fall swirled unnaturally in the still air, smelling eerily of nothing, and dampening any sounds or possible echoes from such. The sky above him was filled with slate blue clouds and occasional flashes of utterly silent lighting that didn’t touch the ground. </p><p>Most things he had encountered in his life were consistent and absolute. One: Goa’uld were lying and deceitful and often arranged things around them to appear other than they were. Thus, the current arrangement of the gate was somehow part of that, for unknown reasons.</p><p>Two: Things and people that entered the gate also exited the gate. Carter and JackONeill entered ahead of him and therefore were here somewhere, hopefully together. DanielJackson had entered only a step ahead of himself and may or may not be closer, physically. Regardless, the gate spat back out what it took in and the others would be found.</p><p>Three: His companions would find him, or he, they. He needed only to mark the gate location and be able to find his way back to it, or signal to them where it rested. Once found, odds were high that the gate could be dialed manually, at least once. As it were now, dialing manually may require more manpower than only himself, and activating the gate where it currently lay might result in dumping an egregious amount of garbage back into the gate room. Even if such actions had the desired result of establishing contact, it might also waste their one chance to return without a dialer. </p><p>Four: Even if they could not dial the gate, someone would send help from Earth eventually, if only to attempt to retrieve their bodies, and slash or the original probe. It was an odd sort of comfort, but a comfort all the same.</p><p>The atmosphere of this place, perhaps of the entire planet, was unpleasant. There was a feel to it that grated on his nerves, or that of his symbiote, like barely audible static on a radio line. The landscape edge blurred a bit here, or he may just be disoriented as a result of the harsh transition. Jackson will no doubt have a better idea. </p><p>Regardless of any of his immediate theories, he is whole and on the other side of the gate, and has teammates to find. Should he come across the probe, it may be beneficial as well.</p><p>Teal’c reached for his radio to all, but it buzzed with a burst of tell-tale static followed by JackONeill’s voice.</p><p>
  <em>"Carter? Jackson? Anybody?"</em>
</p><p>The fact he put out a general call was concerning. Perhaps he, too, had arrived separated from the others. "ONeill?"</p><p>He sounded slightly relieved to get an answer. "<em>Teal'c? Status? I'm in a...blue...hallway."</em></p><p>He did a quick visual scan, intending a full report. ONeill reported that he was inside a building, whereas Teal’c was not, nor could he see any buildings at all. "There is a body of lava downslope from my location. I am next to the Stargate, but no dialing device is visible. I believe I see bipedal creatures headed my direction but cannot tell yet if they’re hostile or sentient.”</p><p>His radio had gone dead, but he couldn’t be sure exactly when it had happened during his report. He clicked the button again but got nothing. Given the approach of unidentified things, he let it go for now and leveled his staff weapon at the closest one, which was still a way off.</p><p>It was small and scrawny and oddly proportioned, but didn't carry a weapon that Teal'c could discern. Likely male, it hopped from surface to surface with easy agility, unrushed but moving with intent, across loose doors of all kinds. At one point, it stubbed a bare toe on a hinge and cursed loudly. It stopped and berated the object in a strange, guttural language that grated on the ears.</p><p>Teal'c allowed his weapon to dip, but held it ready. The odd thing stopped, resumed heading to him and waved as it got closer, in a way that could be interpreted as friendly. It spoke to him in the same, unfamiliar language as it cursed in.</p><p>Teal'c, having no option to make himself understood, said, "I do not understand you."</p><p>He - Teal'c went with the mental label until told otherwise, squeaked in surprise, shuffled in place for a second, then said, "you lost?" The grating edge dropped off his English, leaving Teal'c to suspect that was part of it if the first language and not the creature's vocal pattern. Now that he was closer, Teal'c took notice of a pair of smallish bat wings folded against his back.</p><p>Teal'c saw no reason to lie, but remained on guard. “Perhaps.”</p><p>He had a lot of teeth, but made no move to bite him. Yet. “You look lost. Weird soul you got there.”</p><p>“...Indeed.”</p><p>“Watcha doing in the trash heap? Boss doesn’t like it disturbed.”</p><p>Were anyone else around, he could play off them and remain observant. “I have not disturbed it.” Which was true as far as he knew. </p><p>The creature looked around, again shifting from foot to foot. Some of the other creatures that Teal’c assumed had been following it, abruptly ran off, as if breaking a chase. A handful more stopped and milled, examining the ground as if they were looking for something. It gave Teal’c an idea. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>He snarled, “none of your business.” </p><p>“Perhaps the boss would like to know of your business.”</p><p>He looked up from Teal'c's waist height, with intelligent eyes. He smirked and said something else in the other language. Then switched back, "thought so. C'mon, let's get out of here. Where you headed?"</p><p>He turned away without further comment and strolled toward a rocky fissure, which Teal'c would have sworn was not there a moment ago. And was also blue tinted, or in directionless blue light. </p><p>Teal'c attempted to mentally mark the location. Any object he left behind would certainly be found and taken by the circling creatures. </p><p>With a moment's consideration, he stabbed the staff into the heap of debris, chose a few odd, tall doors and leaned them against each other in a pyramid shape. It was the best he could do for a marker for now, assuming something didn't arrive and knock it over. </p><p>Teal'c took up his staff once more and followed the odd being. "What is this place?"</p><p>"One might say it freezes over from time to time."</p><p>"That means little to me."</p><p>"In a hand basket? Granted, I've never seen one. The roads leading here are paved with good intentions."</p><p>He said these things somewhat good-humoredly, but they meant next to nothing. A memory or two pulled at him from Jackson's briefings about Sokar, and what he himself knew of the System Lord. </p><p>Yet, he sensed no Goa'uld near. His symbiote grew uncomfortable. </p><p>He also knew they didn't arrive where they had intended to. "Do you serve Sokar?"</p><p>He looked back over his shoulder with a wave, “Depends. If he’s in a mood, I usually find some hidey-hole so he doesn’t notice me.”</p><p>Teal’c stopped in his tracks, pointed his staff at the creature’s backside and activated it. Familiar trails of gold lightning flashed and lit up the area for a moment.</p><p>His guide whipped around, holding up a pair of clawed hands. “Hey now. You may be lost, buddy, but you wouldn’t be in his domain if you aren’t supposed to be.”</p><p>“Where are you taking me?”</p><p>“I just want to have a conversation. We don’t get a lot of interesting people down here. Usually any time someone gets out of their cells, it’s by accident. Come to think of it, you look an awful lot like someone who still has a body. Weird.”</p><p>The creature was still backing up toward the fissure when a feminine voice rang out, “GAUDIUM. What are you doing?”</p><p>It jumped five feet in the air and hovered, flapping wings that looked much too small for flight. “Nothing!” Gaudium looked back toward the voice and made shoo’ing motions at Teal’c to get him to hide.</p><p>He did no such thing. </p><p>The owner of the voice melted from the shadows, a woman with a serious past facial injury and one blinded eye. She had long, black hair and archaic armor. “Get back to your post.”</p><p>Her tone brokered no room for argument, and he dropped a foot toward the ground. When he saw Teal’c was not hiding in any sense of the term, he pointed a finger. “I was just bringing him to the boss.”</p><p>Both Teal’c and the woman muttered words that had the same roots at one point in time. Gaudium flew straight up, away from them both at considerable speed. </p><p>She threw a short, straight blade after him with deadly precision, severing a small piece of wingtip. “I’ll find you later.”</p><p>He threw a gesture behind him that looked a lot like a very rude human style one, flinging black blood from the cut edge of his wing as he flapped.</p><p>“I liked that knife. You. Come with me.”</p><p>“I believe I am done taking orders.”</p><p>“Look, you’re a walking meat bag and you’re drawing more demons. If any of them draw blood, neither of us will have a good day.”</p><p>Teal’c leveled his staff at her. “Where am I?”</p><p>She took half a step toward him, then paused and took a closer look at his weapon, then finally at the golden-edged symbol on his forehead. “You’re in the wrong afterlife.”</p><p>“And what is that to me?”</p><p>She sighed wistfully. “Man, you would be so much fun to torment. I can tell. Fine. Mazikeen, head torturer as it were, but I have orders not to harm you unduly. You want to get back to your friends? I’m here to collect you.”</p><p>And with that, her face transformed into a fully human one. </p><p>He wasn’t impressed. “I am Teal’c. To which friends are you referring?”</p><p>Mazikeen squinted, then tilted her chin up. “You could teach my demons a thing or two, couldn’t you? Don’t worry, the boss just wants to send you all back where you came from. He would like to know how you got here in the first place so we can seal that particular crack.”</p><p>She turned her back on him and began walking. </p><p>A look over his shoulder confirmed what she was saying - many more creatures - demons? Were starting to take interest. One particularly small one had perched on his door arraignment and was watching with two sets of glittering black eyes. Where he stood now, the ashfall here seemed a bit less than out of the heap of doors that stretched to the edges of the visible landscape.</p><p>His only real option was to shoot her in the back, but he didn’t see the point in a drawn out fight with the other creature who had already collected in enough numbers to be a problem.</p><p>He shut down the staff, held it on his shoulder and followed her reluctantly.</p><hr/><p>Jackson kept watch. Not that it mattered much. A pair of creatures, demons he supposed, looked right back at him outside the mouth of the cave.</p><p>They were like gargoyles, stone-skinned and unblinking. Maybe literal gargoyles. He picked off a corner of his bar and threw it at their feet. Their gaze flicked down to it, but no other part of their bodies so much as quivered. They went back to watching him exclusively. </p><p>Daniel got up and tried to leave the cave - or at least see what their range was. Both creatures sprang to life immediately, teeth bared and attention turned to laser focus on him. </p><p>He backed up, slowly and carefully, and they resumed their statue-like guard.</p><p>Carter kicked her gun away, after checking it over a third time. Lucifer’s stunt had destroyed the clip as well, but she was able to recover most of the rounds from it. Any that couldn't be fired, she pocketed.</p><p>She picked up both of the deformed rounds that had fallen from the damaged clip and the fired brass casings (three), then finally the shirt fabric scraps. She rubbed it between her fingers, testing the feel. After a moment, she pulled out a match, struck it, and burned a swatch. It crisped up and went out, wisping away. She held the scrap under her nose and sniffed the smoke. “Huh.”</p><p>Daniel looked over. “What?”</p><p>“The Devil wears Prada. Or at least silk.” Thumbing through the pieces, she found a designer tag. “No, it actually is Prada. From Italy.”</p><p>“Didn’t he just say he’d been down here thousands of years?”</p><p>“If there’s a time deferential, that’s not something we can worry too much about right this second. No pun intended.”</p><p>Jack had his gun out, on a piece of utility fabric, disassembled and checking it over for ash as he cleaned it. Call it what you want, it was soothing. Something he had control over. A repeatable, completion procedure that settled his nerves. “He’s the Devil. He’s going to lie about things.”</p><p>Daniel shugged. “I don’t see the point in lying about something like that. I agree we can’t take certain things at face value. I think we can safely assume he’s in charge of whatever this actually is. For what it’s worth, he was fairly gentle when he flew me here.”</p><p>“He wants us to be off our guard.” Jack had the easy answer for everything, but it was a good point. “Did you say flew you here? Why didn’t you say so? There’s got to be a bay of some kind, right?”</p><p>“Ah, no. He sprouted wings and literally flew me here,” Daniel patted his pockets and drew out a white feather that glowed faintly. “I didn’t get to look at it before now, but it looks real to me. Either he can manifest them at will, or this is a very odd level of tech. Granted, we’ve seen helmets that retract into almost nothing, but if they were mechanical, it was impressive.”</p><p>Carter took the feather and rolled the shaft between her fingers. It was small and softly rounded, like a goose feather. Other than the glowing, it appeared fairly normal. “Well, none of our radioactivity alarms have gone off, so there’s that.”</p><p>He took it back, feeling oddly possessive about it. “Well, one feather isn’t going to get us out of here.”</p><p>She snorted. “Why didn’t he tie us up?”</p><p>Daniel rubbed his jaw. “Back when he grabbed me, he said demons can’t touch living things, but he didn’t say he couldn’t. No, shouldn’t touch living things."</p><p>“Carter, didn’t one of those things grab you too?”</p><p>“I’m not sure. I don’t remember much before you found me. It's hazy from between walking through the gate and getting shoved.”</p><p>"Really? Lucifer said they shouldn't touch living things. Are you okay?"</p><p>"I feel okay? Where did you come through the gate? Neither of us remember rematerializing."</p><p>Jackson frowned. "I came to in the middle of a nightmare. It looped a couple of times, or restarted? then Lucifer showed up and got me."</p><p>Carter rubbed her chin. "So we are all on the same page? We somehow ended up in actual Hell? I'm still leaning towards 'gate malfunction and not-previously-known alien.' He's not what we were looking for and there doesn't seem to be any tech here, unless it's all hidden."</p><p>Jack spoke up, "as far as I'm concerned, there's no reason to come back here once we do get home, so I don't particularly give a rat's behind what he is. As long as we get Teal'c back, anyway. If he's the one burning out our batteries, I'd like him to knock it off, but it might be...what? The air?"</p><p>Dr. Jackson groaned. "The atmosphere as a reason is unlikely. Gravity seems Earth-normal, but it could be simple magnetic fields. He said 'time-differences' , so if we take him at his word, batteries are getting drained very fast, or, electricity itself is moving slower. Which means the lightning in the sky isn't lightning, or,-" he started concentrating.</p><p>Sam perked up. "Maybe we can use it to power the gate, when we find it. Normal lightning is too fleeting. The lightning overhead seemed pretty consistent - slower and originating from less random places. If it's continuous-"</p><p>Jack flapped a rag at Daniel. "Skip to the English. Please."</p><p>"If we can make a lightning rod, ideally using the MALP to condition the power flow, and find the gate-"</p><p>"We have a way back. Great, I like plans. I like having the means to enact plans even more. Do we have a way to find our probe?"</p><p>"Not yet. Not without a way to contact it. Once we find the gate, it shouldn't be far. I'm more concerned Hammond will send another team to look for us and get stuck too. It would help to find out if the time difference is faster or slower."</p><p>“So, anyone have any clue where we really are? I'm gonna regret asking, but do we know of any planets where this happens?'</p><p>Carter and Daniel exchanged a look. </p><p>Oh yeah, he was going to regret this.</p><p>She started, "well, the main cause would be most likely due to a black hole, or maybe some other high energy event. Theoretically-"</p><p>"You know how much I hate that word."</p><p>"We could be on or in an artificial satellite in a high speed orbit. Of course, gravity should be different for something like that, but, if we were on a ship or platform traveling fast enough…"</p><p>Daniel disagreed, "that shouldn't affect our electronics. Although, we haven't actually tested something like that...even light bends around black holes."</p><p>Jack needed to put a stop to the science chatter and get everyone moving again, or they would be here until the cows came home. "I'm guessing none of this means anything unless we get back, so how can we work on that?"</p><p>Dr. Jackson hummed quietly. “He said this was a storage area. I’m going to look around.” </p><p>In the back of the cave, the ambient bluish light dropped off quickly, revealing nothing interesting. There also didn’t seem to be anything living (or dead) here at all. No cobwebs, no shed skins or carapaces. He unhooked a piece of equipment, exploring on auto-pilot.</p><p>Carter yelled, “Wait, don’t turn on your flashligh-”</p><p>It fizzled out in seconds, but it did seem to reveal a further tunnel or passageway while it was working. Daniel bit the inside of his cheek, then turned back to the wall sconces near the cave opening and extracted a torch. It seemed to behave normally in his hand, and left his companions with a few remaining lights. </p><p>Actually.</p><p>“You guys coming?”</p><p>Jack promptly sped up his gun reassembly, parts oiled and clicking back into place with expert efficiency. “You know what? Screw this place. If Satan didn’t want us wandering around, he should have restrained us.”</p><p>“Should we leave a message in case they find Teal’c and come back with him?”</p><p>“What would he recognize that his henchcritters wouldn’t?”</p><p>“In theory? The same thing that would screw with anyone else, assuming we aren’t in alien enemy hands. Goa’uld.” He crouched and sketched a few words in chalk behind a large rock. “And judging by his version of glowing eyes, I’m pretty sure he’s not that. That and the transformation. It’s probably not worth the risk of leaving a clear bread crumb trail, though. I’m just leaving our ranks as a message.”</p><p>Jack shrugged. “Why is he British anyway?”</p><p>“Satan? He said...he liked it. The accent.”</p><p>Carter threw one last look out the front of the cave, but the gargoyles weren’t visible. “Do you think he was trying to be...nice?”</p><p>“The last thing I need in this universe is two different kinds of alien Lords of Hell. But if we’re stuck with them, they can do us the courtesy of being evil and easier to justify blowing up when the time comes. Maybe our good Dark Lord has some explosives in his stash.”  </p><hr/><p>They each took a torch off the wall, which still left several behind. </p><p>The tunnel ran for a hundred yards before revealing an honest-to-god water source. There was no need to refill any canteens so they only made a note of how far in it was and where. The water ran from a crack high in the wall and trickled down to the floor without pooling too deeply, giving a much-welcomed sound of ‘environment’ none of them realized had been missing up until now.  </p><p>Sam took a sample to test later, if needed. It smelled faintly of sulfur, which didn’t necessarily make it undrinkable, but at least the odds of bacteria or parasites swimming around in it was much lower, especially with the lack of wildlife. </p><p>The sound faded and silence resumed a thick hold in the air. Even their boots didn’t make much noise, softly disturbing the packed earth or packed...something anyway. Daniel idly commented, “he kept both personas.” </p><p>Jack sighed. “What do you mean, he asked sardonically?”</p><p>“First, I'm impressed you used that correctly."</p><p>"Shut it."</p><p>"Second, he's- or claims to- be an angel and the Devil. I was just wondering why embrace both? I mean, he maybe even literally coined the phrase: ‘better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven.’”</p><p>Jack’s lack of patience was legendary. “And?”</p><p>“I mean, why not look like ‘The Devil’ all the time? Either transforming into the red-skinned version of himself takes a certain amount of energy-”</p><p>“Maybe he’s just lazy. Honestly, who would want to go around looking like that 24/7? Maybe it takes effort.”</p><p>Carter kept her destroyed gun slung around her neck by the shoulder strap. She fingered it absently. “If it is a question of consuming power, maybe it makes him vulnerable afterwards.”</p><p>“Carter. Are you saying Satan maybe just blew his-”</p><p>Daniel stumbled into something at hip-height. “Ow.”</p><p>They came to a halt, holding light over whatever Jackson found. </p><p>It was a crate. Made of wood planks and packed with straw. A row of them stood neatly along one wall of the tunnel. Some of them looked extremely old, but several may have been re-packed recently, judging by the state of the packing material. “Ah ha! What do we have here? And why does Hell have...straw?"</p><p>The first crate held pottery. Ancient pottery. Not that kind of Ancient. It was simplistic and mostly undecorated, leaving Daniel very little clue as to where it came from, or what time period. As far as he could tell, it held no real value, except for the fact it looked like it could have come from a very old dig. Without references to where it was found, or when, or anything else - well. A museum might be interested, but they’d just as likely shove it in a back storage area until they got around to dealing with it, or linked it to an existing similar find, which given how plain the pottery was, could have been from just about anywhere.</p><p>The next crate was a lot more exciting. </p><p>Nestled in the straw was a dagger. Daniel had his voice recorder out and had begun talking to it before he remembered the battery problem. He spoke as fast as he could until it died after around ten seconds. “Dagger, of Roman origin, possibly carried by a soldier... dammit.”</p><p>Jack raised an eyebrow. “Ae you suggesting we arm ourselves with blades?”</p><p>“It’s better than nothing, consider ing bullets literally bounced off him. but this thing hasn’t been kept up, or not the edge anyway. It’s almost like a museum piece. It hasn’t been sharpened anytime recently. Except for the tacky storage containers and padding, we could have wandered into an Indiana Jones warehouse.”</p><p>“Great, we could use an Ark right about now.”</p><p>Daniel held up his torch, illuminating more and more boxes on either side of them. They really were stacked up for storage, except not always neatly. Some had labels, but most didn’t. He spotted a spear standing at attention between two wooden crates, some - of all things - large rocks - monoliths even. Against the far wall, behind a lot of other things, stood an Easter Island head.</p><p>On the other side were a number of rolled up tapestries that he absolutely wanted to get a look at. Lying on top of one box was a pair of very old metal shears, sets of thick single-post hair pins, a scroll case and a clay jug with oil-stains. Further back was a polished mirror from a more recent time. Next to that-</p><p>Was an honest-to-God disco ball. It sat slightly akimbo, but securely, on the ground next to a container. It had to be forty or fifty years old, but looked like it was only about to be stored.</p><p>Jack seemed to have spotted it around the same time, catching Daniel’s shake of the head. Wonderingly, he commented, “the Devil, apparently, is a klepto.”</p><p>They either wandered into a movie studio storage warehouse or found a true treasure trove of Earth history. </p><p>The British voice carried from behind them, and not far, “I thought I told you to stay put.” It wasn’t nearly has angry as when he’d left them, but still terse.</p><p>As a unit, the three team members swung around to face him. Carter snatched the dagger and held it while Jack and Daniel both aimed their guns at him. </p><p>Lucifer sighed. He had a new suit, black with a cream button-up shirt and black tie. He still had the fedora. He paused in place and evidently decided not to press his luck (or their patience). “If you want to waste more bullets, you can. But you’d only be inconveniencing yourselves and you’ll have less ammunition for when you finally do leave. Just to be safe, I changed into my least favorite suit. Now, will you please put the dagger back where you found it?”</p><p>Carter loosened her grip slightly, risking a glance down at it. “Why? What’s this to you?”</p><p>His lips pressed together hard for a moment. “I knew the man who carried it. That’s all you need to know.”</p><p>That settled in her brain for a moment. She hefted it slightly, taking a longer look at it to admire the weight and reality of it. “It really is Roman, isn’t it?”</p><p>Lucifer nodded, his eyes a little sad. In a bittersweet tone he remarked, “Fortunately, I never saw him again.”</p><p>“Why-”</p><p>Jack said, “Oh.” he got it first, somehow making the leap to 'dude did not end up in Hell'. Which meant he had started to actually believe that's where they are. He shook his head, feeling thrown-off. </p><p>Daniel looked around again. “So, he didn’t sell his soul to you?”</p><p>“I don’t do that. How many times-”, he huffed. “I don’t trade in souls. I barter in material items and sex.”</p><p>O’Neil raised an eyebrow. “You what?”</p><p>Eyes as dark as his own appraised him. “I do love a man in uniform. Or out of one. But I suspect we aren’t each other’s type.”</p><p>“You got that right,” he found himself letting his guard down just a little, but he didn’t really know why. Witnessing many different cultures during his time with SG-1 had broadened his horizons a bit, and Jack was a lot less judgemental than he used to be. </p><p>Lucifer tilted his head. Curious, he said, “you don’t sound offended.”</p><p>Jack shrugged, “I’m pretty sure we have a few single-lane guys on our base, but there’s regulations.” the word came heavy, Don't Ask Don't Tell very much still a thing, even in bases with alien foot-traffic. One looked the other way as long as no attention was drawn to improper relationships - legally recognized or otherwise. A military base wasn't the place for such things. After a second he added, “and women, but it’s not something that comes up over a mess hall lunch.”</p><p>“The last time I was up for long”, his eyes lingered on the disco ball and voice lighter than it was, “things were better, but not quite where they needed to be."</p><p>Jack shrugged uncomfortably. He wondered if he did know someone like that who couldn't talk to him for those reasons. He shelved it for later.</p><p>"May I ask what year it is topside?”</p><p>The three exchanged a quick glance. Jackson needed to test his time-difference theory anyway, so it wouldn’t help to lie about it. After a split-second of silent communication, he said, “late 2000’s.”</p><p>Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Well, that’s about what I thought. It’s hard to keep track sometimes.”</p><p>“What is it, here?”</p><p>He smirked. “A lot longer than that. I’m only the same age as the universe, after all. Give or take a billion. But Hell has only been around since the dawn of humanity, or at least there was no reason for it to exist before I took stewardship of it.</p><p>Carter fingered the strap of her useless gun, watching him and still on edge. She decided to be direct, “why are you being nice?”</p><p>“It has come to my attention that your presence here is not entirely your fault. No one comes down here without permission, and you did not have it."</p><p>"Do you know what happened?"</p><p>"My demons are looking for the errant passage. But if you could tell me how you set out in the first place, it would help. I assume not by anything with wings or wheels."</p><p>There was that communal eye-lock again. Dr. Jackson cleared his throat. "Does the term <em>wormhole</em> mean anything to you?"</p><p>"Bloody hell, not again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. New Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Teal'c and Mazikeen come to blows. A new player appears.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks as always, GlitterSkullFairy, for being my second set of eyes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Teal’c glanced over his shoulder at the creatures behind him. It was as good an opportunity as any other to gather information, if he must be led to their captors. At least he was also headed to his teammates, in theory. “You are in command?”</p>
<p>Mazikeen growled as she walked, “I serve Lucifer. He is my King.”</p>
<p>That wasn’t a name he remembered being discussed at the briefing. “Your minion, Gaudium, indicated your Lord had more than one name, or perhaps he referred to a local rival?”</p>
<p>She snorted. “Lucifer has many names, but we mostly just call him Lord.”</p>
<p>Perhaps he could stir up some competition. “This planet may not be as secure as your Lord Lucifer believes.”</p>
<p>Mazikeen stopped dead and turned to look at him. “I haven’t heard that kind of talk in a while. Either the statement or question. What is your name?”</p>
<p>“I am Teal’c.”</p>
<p>"Sounds demonic."</p>
<p>"It is Jaffa. We seek Sokar, not <em> Lucifer." </em></p>
<p>“Lucifer sometimes goes by other names when he leaves.” She took a step closer, flaring her nostrils with a quick sniff. “Your soul is...off, but human.”</p>
<p>Either this woman was misinformed about her situation, or they truly had the wrong gate address for Sokar’s realm. “Your minion stated that as well. I am not of Earth.”</p>
<p>Mazikeen could be curious for a demon. It was one of the things Lucifer loved and hated about her. She added, “Lucifer said there were two living in one body. Parasite?"</p>
<p>“I carry an alien organism within me.”</p>
<p>“Huh. Neat. I only ever met one other alien. He crashed and died on the surface, according to Lucifer. Grey, short. Apparently, one of Lucifer’s normally useless siblings came and collected him and sent him on to the right afterlife.”</p>
<p>“An Asgardian.”</p>
<p>"Whatever. They show up in Hell Loops from time to time. Skinny, naked things I could break like toothpicks."</p>
<p>"We are allies."</p>
<p>She stopped and turned to face him. "When did the human military start recruiting aliens?"</p>
<p>"I am alone in that respect."</p>
<p>"A slave?"</p>
<p>"An equal. I threw off slavery to join the ones you have in your custody."</p>
<p>“Come to think of it, you don’t seem terribly concerned about being in Hell yourself.”</p>
<p>It seemed obvious enough to him. “I have no reason to believe that I am.”</p>
<p>She pointed up at the sky, where ash continued to fall. Flakes swirled and settled soundlessly on her hair.</p>
<p>He gave the barest tilt of his head. “I have spent over a year openly battling false gods, and quietly before that. Your ‘Lucifer’ is but another.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” She looked amused. “Do you normally wind up in strange places with no explanation of how you got there?”</p>
<p>“I know ‘how’, but yes. Quite often.”</p>
<p>“Well, aren’t you interesting. What makes you think this isn’t really Hell? Because I’ve been here a <em> very </em> long time.”</p>
<p>“I’ve seen many worlds, and been told many lies by false gods.”</p>
<p>“And you know many of these ‘false gods’?”</p>
<p>“The Taur’i defeated Ra, destroyed him in his own warship. I once served one such being, but no more.”</p>
<p>She mouthed the name silently, tasting it. “Rings a bell. Lucifer is no God, but he is our ruler.”</p>
<p>Teal’c considered it. “He tolerates such talk? Perhaps he is not the one we seek. Yet, he claims you are in an afterlife?”</p>
<p>“Again, yes. I’ve lived here my entire life. I’ve been up to Earth a few times, and there’s a lot less screaming. Well, most of the time.”</p>
<p>“May I ask how long that has been?”</p>
<p>Mazikeen grinned evilly. “Too long to count. I’ve lived lifetimes down here. I’ve met a human soul, her mother, grandmother and entire bloodline once. Not the whole family, some made it to Heaven instead, but enough to see generations of the same line. Time passes more slowly here than on Earth, so it’s not always easy to make the connection of who is related to whom, but it can be entertaining once we do.”  </p>
<p>Her delusions ran deep indeed. "In what way?"</p>
<p>"Demons have one job. I do it best."</p>
<p>Teal'c paused. "And I should believe we are exceptions to this...job?"</p>
<p>Mazikeen turned to him, straightening, "Lucifer has decreed you are to be returned home. Unlike the brother I've met, he doesn't lie."</p>
<p>They were far enough away from the rest of the...demons to be alone. A dark path of perfectly cut hexagonal stones stretched before them and behind, with walls reaching for the sky above. It could very well be a 'blue hallway', as Oneill described. Just past her stance, a mouse-like creature had begun pulling threads off something that looked very much like an SG patch from a uniform.</p>
<p>She didn't say they'd be returned alive.</p>
<p>He tensed, shifting his grip on his staff. The width of the space wouldn't allow much room to swing it, but it could still be used defensively. Frostily, he asked, "and should your Lord change his mind?"</p>
<p>"Well." Her sharper teeth gleamed with her smile. "I've never <em> played </em> with an alien before."</p>
<p>Teal'c reversed his staff, activated it and pulled the trigger. </p>
<p>The gold bolt flew in a straight, smoky line, but <em> visibly </em> slower than he was accustomed to. Mazikeen stepped out of the way, nearly leisurely, watching it fly past without turning her head much.</p>
<p>She shifted her stance and drew a pair of curved daggers from her belt. "I guess Lucifer was right about the armor." </p>
<p>"I thought you had orders to deliver me unharmed."</p>
<p>"<em>Unduly </em>."</p>
<p>"Indeed."</p>
<p>Teal'c had the reach weapon. He rushed her, thrusting with it, expecting her to think he'd swing it instead.</p>
<p>He was right but she was fast, using the curved edge of a dagger to catch the head of the staff and pull it, and him around her in an arc. She let him loose to come about on the other side, him ahead of her now from where they started. </p>
<p>She screamed and leapt, further than any human on any normal gravity world. Knives up and out - Teal'c realized she was trying to frighten him into bolting in the direction they had been headed. He caught one dagger on the shaft of his staff and grabbed for her wrist with the other hand. Metal rang on metal in the eerily non-echoing space. Their boots scuffed on stone that reflected light without a source.</p>
<p>It wasn't good leverage for either one of them, and she twisted away from his counter swing with inhuman speed. He cocked the staff again, but it refused to engage. He barely got it back up in time across his body to catch her kick at his chest. She landed hard, pushing with a grunt and fire in her eyes. She spun away again before he reset his swing.</p>
<p>She changed tactics, trying to wear him out. She caught the ambient light on the edges of her weapons, threatening, considering, but no longer aggressively advancing. Her chest drew breath but it wasn’t forced. Her daggers came up again and she took a step towards him. He side-stepped toward an open doorway, intending to use it for cover, but her flicker of a change in expression told him instantly that that was what she wanted him to do. </p>
<p>He paused instead, angling for a crevice in the rock rather than any of the open doors.</p>
<p>Teal’c considered some of the doors in the pile behind them might have come from here. </p>
<p>He suddenly retained no doubt this Mazikeen was quite good at being <em> scary. </em>She likely wasn't used to non-demonic fighters, nor those who would stand their ground against her for this long. Teal’c matched her, stare for stare, unflinching. </p>
<p>Ash flakes fell softly between them. </p>
<p>She shifted again, putting weight on the other leg, her eyes on his, "what?"</p>
<p>He allowed nothing to throw him off. Anything she did in preparation for her next attack could be a feint, so he waited to react. "I don't believe I've met another like you."</p>
<p>"That's a damn good compliment. Wanna stop by my place on the way?"</p>
<p>The purely tactical part of his brain considered it. Would it buy his companions more time to escape themselves? Or merely detour him towards a stronger location that would be to her benefit.</p>
<p>The latter, he decided, but her half-face, now returned, was harder to read. He paused almost too long.</p>
<p>She spun, drew a short club from her armament, and threw it directly at his head. He dodged it, noting where it fell. He had nothing to throw himself, except non-weapons.  </p>
<p>She might not expect it. She might not know what some of his equipment was. He turned his staff over in his hands, swinging to knock a dagger out of her hands. He almost succeeded. "I do not."</p>
<p>She hissed. "Hard way it is." She moved <em> fast</em>, slashing high and low with one dagger each, moving to hamstring him or weaken his defense, whichever got through.</p>
<p>He blocked and dodged, her wide upper swing catching his sleeve and barely skimming the skin under it in a shallow cut. It burned, but was no more bothersome than a papercut. He got a kick to her legs, shoving her hard into one wall. He thrust his staff toward her spine to pin her in place, but it only glanced off her shoulder as she twisted almost violently away. She cursed in that guttural language and elbowed him hard in the ribs before ducking under his counter swing. The staff struck the wall once more and he dropped it, as it was becoming more of a hindrance than a defensive weapon.</p>
<p>Mazikeen bowled into him, head down and shoulder into his abdomen, pushing him across the way. He grabbed an arm and twisted her around, managing to get one knife away from her.</p>
<p>It was much too small in his grip, but it was still a weapon. </p>
<p>She rolled away, black hair flaring and falling as she crouched. She tossed her remaining dagger from hand to hand, licked her lips and <em> grinned</em>.</p>
<p>Teal'c moved one hand carefully behind himself, covering for the motion by feinting with the dagger.</p>
<p>She didn't fall for it despite the evident battle-rage. She was enjoying the scuffle, but she wasn't sloppy. "Shame you have to go. I'd like to keep you around."</p>
<p>"I doubt I would enjoy it."</p>
<p>"You wouldn't."</p>
<p>Teal'c drew his zat, fired it and threw it.</p>
<p>She wasn't expecting the last bit.</p>
<p>The slow electrical shot distracted from the gun flying at her, much faster than the discharge itself.</p>
<p>It nailed her in the throat.</p>
<p>While she took a gasping breath, Teal'c dropped the dagger, picked up his staff and shoved her against the wall once more, pinning her arms and torso. He pushed hard, not allowing her space for a full breath. </p>
<p>She let his weight hold her body in place and kicked out with both feet at once. He had no armor, and her soles connected solidly with his midsection, throwing him back into the wall across. Teal'c held his staff in two hands once more, ready to leap. It dropped her to the floor, hard on her ass. She didn’t take time to get up.</p>
<p>A straight-edged knife buried itself in his upper right arm, forcing him to drop one end of the staff due to sharp, searing pain. He grabbed it with his left hand, ready to fling it back. The self-proclaimed demoness flipped another knife end over end, catching it by the handle and ready to hurl it to match it's sister. She sat there against the wall, practically lounging. "I’m not allowed to kill you, but you aren't going to enjoy the rest of the walk if I throw this."</p>
<p>Teal'c knew torture. He'd seen it, experienced it and even directed it. There were plenty of interesting things that could be done to a person that were decidedly worse than death. And he did <em> not </em>want to be in an equipped torture room alone with this woman. </p>
<p>He didn't know if she possessed a sarcophagus but he didn’t want to find that out either.</p>
<p>He had no desire to die here, but if he could take her out in the process. He took a single step forward, tensing to throw the bloody dagger.</p>
<p>A grey-robed form dropped to the ground between them, landing on one knee with his back to him. And steel grey wings that furled around his body, close but not closed. “What do you think you’re doing, Mazikeen?”</p>
<p>She snarled and threw her ready dagger at the newcomer, “beat it, feather-brain!”</p>
<p>Time slowed to a crawl, except not for the stranger. </p>
<p>Teal’c registered a flash of grey as he turned his body, wings flaring. He had fury in his eyes, reminiscent of a System Lord before they struck down a hapless servant. Before the knife fully left her fingers, the stranger gripped Teal’c about the shoulders and they <em> moved. </em></p>
<p>
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</p>
<hr/>
<p>"Again?"</p>
<p>Lucifer groused, "there are ways into and out of Hell other than death. My own brother forces me back here whenever I spent more than a handful of hours, occasionally days, up on Earth. I suspect more of my siblings are capable of turning up, but they haven't. A lesser option is body possession by demons. It's rarely possible for a demon to take over a live subject, and it's a lot of work, I'm told. Recently dead bodies work much better, but don't last that long. They tend not to stay fresh."</p>
<p>At everyone's alarmed expression, he added, "don't worry, I forbade demonic possession a few centuries back, your time."</p>
<p>And just like that, the three wayward humans became aware of a staircase that had not existed before. Or not to them.</p>
<p>It was gray-veined white marble, sweeping upward from between crates to what looked like the main floor of a building, lit by bright lamps. </p>
<p>From the landing above rang a hard-edged voice, <em> “LUCI! </em>”</p>
<p>"Bugger." Lucifer <em> winced, </em>then stilled his face, squared his shoulders and walked to the stairs at a controlled pace. Over his shoulder he said, “stay there.”</p>
<p>They were definitely not going to do that.</p>
<p>Sam placed the dagger back in the box, but hesitantly. She asked Daniel, “Lucy? Has that ever been a known, shortened version of ‘Lucifer?’”</p>
<p>“Not that I know of.”</p>
<p>Jack muttered, “damn.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>He threw up his hands, “I missed a perfectly good opportunity to follow that up with ‘..I’m home.’ Tone is all wrong though.”</p>
<p>Lucifer ignored him, tense and focused on the area above.</p>
<p>Daniel lingered back a few steps, pausing to read labels and peer more closely at open containers. When Lucifer was halfway up the stairs, Daniel plucked a small book from a shelf and tucked it into an inside pocket. Jack raised an eyebrow but said nothing, taking Daniel’s theft as a challenge and sweeping a random coin off a table. </p>
<p>Daniel rolled his eyes. In silent agreement, they all crept up to the foot of the stairs to see what was happening.</p>
<p>Jack grunted. “So, Biblical Satan, yes or no?”</p>
<p>“I mean. Kind of?”</p>
<p>Sam added, “He’s not exactly the torture chamber type, is he?”</p>
<p>The new voice thundered as it got closer, “What do you think you’re up to, Luci? Humans don’t belong down here!”</p>
<p>Daniel swallowed, “uh. That sounds bad.”</p>
<p>Lucifer’s voice replied almost petulantly, “<em> you </em> don’t belong down here!”</p>
<p>“And yet I keep appearing when you get yourself in trouble.”</p>
<p>“I like trouble. It makes things interesting.”</p>
<p>“What are you doing with a living human wandering around in Hell? It’s a good thing Remy said something about sensing loose humans. I couldn’t believe you’d drag them down here for your personal entertainment, but then I found this one, fighting Mazikeen!"</p>
<p>“Where is she?”</p>
<p>“Coming; I assume she knew where I was headed. Where are the other humans?”</p>
<p>“If he were here for my entertainment, don’t you think he’d be <em> here </em> with me?”</p>
<p>The voice went dangerous, “you’ve crossed a line, Luci.”</p>
<p>“Don’t call me that. Tell me something I haven’t heard before.”</p>
<p>Sam, Jack and Daniel sucked in a breath at the same time and crept up the stairs. Teal’c was trying to get up from his knees, held by the shoulder by the newcomer. He had blood soaking into the sleeve of his right arm, but was watching the byplay lucidly. He locked gazes with Jack and shook his head slightly.</p>
<p>The newcomer had long grey robes of wool and silk, and looked absolutely furious. </p>
<p>Lucifer was the picture of calm and restrained anger. “This isn’t my fault, believe it or not.”</p>
<p>“I don’t. Or at least I don’t believe you had <em> nothing </em> to do with it.”</p>
<p>“You know I don’t lie. Their intrusion was news to me as well. I want them out of here.”</p>
<p>“I know you choose not to lie. That doesn’t mean you’re incapable of it.”</p>
<p>“Fine. I break rules. But, I have no need of living humans down here.”</p>
<p>Daniel shifted his weight, intending to lead them back down to make new plans. He’d swear on his life he made absolutely no noise, but Lucifer’s...brother looked at the three of them and the world shifted sideways, covered in a blur of grey and black.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>When Dr. Jackson could force his vision to focus, he was looking at a ceiling made of arches. Stone probably. His back hurt and he was roughly ninety-eight percent certain he had just been upright.</p>
<p>He sat up, still mildly surprised he wasn't restrained, but okay. "What happened?"</p>
<p>Three faces looked his, their way, all irritably. Lucifer was facing the new guy, who looked much more like something that belonged in an afterlife. He had grey wings with glinting feathers that looked alive and deadly. The demoness had caught up, but he had no idea how long they’d been out like that.</p>
<p>Mazikeen stood closer to Lucifer than the other one. All three had put distance between themselves and the party. Behind him, Jack, Sam and Teal'c were similarly laid out, like they'd all been blown over by a hard wing flap. </p>
<p>And then re-arranged? Maybe. At least they hadn’t been knocked back down the stairs, and Teal’c was no longer restrained by the grey-winged one. </p>
<p>The new...angel, he guessed, stared hard at him. "Lucifer claims you <em> weren't </em> brought here by him."</p>
<p>It was a statement, not a question. Daniel nodded slowly, and his neck felt strained, if not wrenched. He had the feeling that if his watch worked, he’d fine that more time had passed than he felt comfortable with. They get knocked unconscious way too often to be healthy as it was. "We weren't trying to come...<em> here</em>. and I don't think he interfered with our...method of travel."</p>
<p>"Which was?"</p>
<p>Lucifer interrupted, "it's not like it matters. Now that you're here, you can just ferry them all out of here like the good little Golden Retriever you are."</p>
<p>The dark-skinned being frowned. "Golden what?"</p>
<p>"Honestly, could you pay attention to earth for at least five minutes when you do appear? It's bad enough my demons don't understand my references, but you at least have <em> some </em>experience with humanity."</p>
<p>"No more than I can help doing so." He finally looked over at Daniel, who felt like his soul was being pulled out and examined. "And I can't."</p>
<p>Lucifer growled, "what do you mean by that? Just cart them out! One at a time if you can’t handle more than that."</p>
<p>"Because it would be interfering. They got here themselves, they need to go home themselves. <em> If </em> what you said was true about not bringing them here."</p>
<p>None of them contradicted Lucifer’s account. </p>
<p>The Devil kept glaring, so the other sniffed and added, "and, I don't know what happens to living humans with intact souls when they're moved between planes. They might become separated from their spirits."</p>
<p>Jack got to his feet and waved. "That sounds very bad. Hi, scary angel guy, I'm Jack."</p>
<p>There was a long, uncomfortable pause. "Amenadiel. May I ask why you aren't cowering like the mortals you are?"</p>
<p>"Okay, this may be news to you, but, ah, we've killed at least one god so far, so I think we have a decent track record. Of course, we had a nuke at the time, but we can always come back."</p>
<p>Amenadiel stiffened. "You had a what? Which 'god' do you make this claim of? I assure you our Father and Mother are very much alive."</p>
<p>Dr. Jackson frowned. "Mother?"</p>
<p>Jack waved him off. "Ra."</p>
<p>Amenadiel paused like he was sorting something out. "Heard of him. He was no <em>God</em>." He sneered, "we would have dealt with him ourselves but he vanished."</p>
<p>Lucifer pulled on his cuffs. "You were ordered not to, more like, not exactly being a <em> real </em> diety."</p>
<p>Daniel held up a hand, "wait, you don't know?”</p>
<p>The angel sniffed. "He was overwhelmed by his slaves. Not exactly an uncommon occurrence. Obviously he went into the wilderness and succumbed."</p>
<p>Carefully, he said, "you don't have to pretend you don't know what happened to him. Jack and I met him, face to face."</p>
<p>Amenadiel squinted. "That's not possible."</p>
<p>Even Lucifer looked intrigued with Amenadiel, a delighted expression blooming on his face. "Do you think humans were Dad's only experiment?"</p>
<p>"As opposed to?"</p>
<p>Four SG-1 members watched the back and forth like a tennis match.</p>
<p>"Have you seriously never left The Silver City except to chase me down?"</p>
<p>"Why would I?"</p>
<p>"Never heard of <em>little green men? </em>Even I caught an episode of <em>Star</em> <em>Trek</em> on my last visit."</p>
<p>Jack asked, "which series?"</p>
<p>"Oh, there's more than one now? I've really got to get cable down here."</p>
<p>"Original, <em>Next Gen, DS9</em>. I don't keep up with all of it and the space station one reminds me too much of work."</p>
<p>"Oh, I understand that. Most 'scary movies' have no basis in fact whatsoever. For one thing, there's no such thing as ghosts. Not that I've seen much television. Generally brilliant what you lot come up with, though."</p>
<p>Jack felt like he might be starting to warm up to the guy. "How do you feel about professional hockey?"</p>
<p>"I don't have anything against men throwing themselves at each other, but they wear entirely too much."</p>
<p>Well. He's definitely never looking at sports the same way again.</p>
<p>Amenadiel's wings sank a little. "What's a <em> green man </em>?"</p>
<p>Lucifer pointed at Teal'c.</p>
<p>"He's not. Wait."</p>
<p>“Well, mostly. Less than mostly?”</p>
<p>Teal'c looked at Amenadiel nonplussed. "I've met Jaffa who are better informed about the universe."</p>
<p>Looking visibly disturbed, Amenadiel approached him slowly. "There are two of you?"</p>
<p>Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow. At least the being had a sense of style, if no ability to reason. </p>
<p>"I'm standing by my statement. They still have to leave the way they got in. I will...consult with our brethren on possible alternate ways to return them to earth. Where was your origin? How did you end up in Hell?"</p>
<p>Lucifer helpfully said, "wormhole."</p>
<p>Carter suspected he did it just to mess with his brother, who had absolutely no idea what that was, or could possibly be. Amenadiel grunted, "you just put two words together that mean absolutely nothing."</p>
<p>Daniel cleared his throat. He had held a lot of seminars in his life, defended his theories publicly and set foot on alien soil. He had never considered the possibility of explaining complicated science to an angel who may not have the level of understanding about Earth and earth sciences of the average ten-year-old. (He still wasn't convinced this wasn't an elaborate sham, however, but Occam's Razor was looking both more likely and a preferable explanation. Somehow.)  "It's a way to travel directly between two points in space, in a short period of time, requiring vast amounts of energy, correct coordinates, and uhm. Math?"</p>
<p>Jack shot him a look. </p>
<p>"Like a road?" Clearly, Amenadiel was unhappy about being in the dark but was doing his best not to admit it.</p>
<p>"Well. That is technically correct." Depending on the type and length of 'road' anyway.</p>
<p>Sam spoke up, "more like an artificially created shortcut? When was the last time you actually looked around on earth?" </p>
<p>Jack leaned close to her, “don’t give him ideas.”</p>
<p>Amenadiel's brief pleasure at making a sort-of correct guess vanished. "I don't. I have no reason to stay longer than necessary."</p>
<p>Lucifer snickered. "Ask him what a microwave is. Go on."</p>
<p>"I don't need to know."</p>
<p>"And that applies to the appliance and the other thing."</p>
<p>"What other thing?"</p>
<p>Dr. Jackson sighed. "Now you're just being a bully."</p>
<p>"It's one of my little joys. He is the oldest brother."</p>
<p>"Look, if you actually want to know, I think Lucifer has some books-" Daniel missed Lucifer's very direct, nearly vocal, <em> look</em>, directed at him, "down in the basement. I'm actually kind of impressed with what he's-"</p>
<p>Amenadiel's wings flared in anger, "Luci, have you been stealing human items from earth?"</p>
<p>Lucifer's eyes flashed red at him. <em> Oh shit</em>. Daniel shut his mouth.</p>
<p>Lucifer kept glaring. The stairway vanished and became more marble floor. "Nothing that matters. I nicked some things from the Library of Alexandria as it burned. Humans think the whole if it was lost."</p>
<p>Amenadiel cut an eye at the mostly plainly decorated room they stood in. It was open to the outside sky with tall windows and arches for doorways. All the edges were hard angles, cast in deep shadows and soft blue light from outside. "What are you hiding, Luci?"</p>
<p>Lucifer's wings flared out and the humans all took a step back. "Spare me the, 'Father won't be pleased' routine. I'm well aware of His feelings towards me. Your single <em> job </em> is to drag me back to Hell, not act as a tax collector. If you can't help with my wayward souls issue, I suggest you leave my home and find someone who can."</p>
<p>Amenadiel huffed, but backed down. He turned away from their host to address them. "Which of you is the leader?"</p>
<p>Jack lazily saluted Amenadiel. "Howdy."</p>
<p>The angel couldn't decide if he was being insulted or not, so he continued anyway, "If you tell me where on Earth you're trying to get back to, it may help my investigation."</p>
<p>Jack looked at Sam, who shrugged. He replied flatly, "Big Rock Candy Mountain."</p>
<p>"Alright, I'll see what I can do. Luci, keep an eye on them."</p>
<p>"Oh right. Because I was planning on letting them roam freely, maybe take a stroll around the Lake. Fishing is superb this time of year."</p>
<p>Amenadiel glared, furled his wings enough to walk out an archway and departed into the sky with a firm flap. </p>
<p>Carter poked Jack in the shoulder. </p>
<p>"What? He's not going to help us anyway. And it's still classified information. What’s this about fishing?"</p>
<p>Lucifer smirked. "I don't suppose you'd tell me the classified information?"</p>
<p>"As I understand it, you go...up there sometimes, and I'd rather you not try to drop in on the base. The mission report from this one is gonna be a doozy as it is."</p>
<p>Carter shook her head. "I'd say good luck, but the General will probably want to talk to all of us."</p>
<p>“Military bases are boring, so no thank you.”</p>
<p>Jack added, “right. Exactly. Nothing to see there.”</p>
<p>Lucifer gave him a suspicious look. "You sound as if your return is a foregone conclusion."</p>
<p>He shrugged in reply. "We've been in worse situations. Teal'c, you okay, buddy?"</p>
<p>"I am fine."</p>
<p>Mazikeen muttered, "yeah, he is."</p>
<p>While not always the most observant of people, he noticed that Mazikeen and Teal'c both looked a bit worse for wear. "Teeeeeal'c?"</p>
<p>"We had a minor scuffle."</p>
<p>"Is that what the kids are calling it these days?"</p>
<p>"I did not believe she meant to assist us."</p>
<p>Jack made a finger gun, "ah."</p>
<p>Lucifer asked, "pardon?"</p>
<p>He said patiently, "that's 'Teal'c' for 'she was definitely going to either kill us personally or have us killed once we were all collected again.'"</p>
<p>Lucifer looked slightly displeased. "Maze can be...menacing but she was under orders not to harm him."</p>
<p>“I’m not disputing what you’re telling us now, I’m just translating.”</p>
<p>Maze said, "<em>unduly</em>."</p>
<p>The Devil sighed. "True. That doesn't mean 'provoke a fight with a mortal.' You know how breakable they are."</p>
<p>"My bad. He held his own."</p>
<p>Lucifer covered a grin. “Fine, but don’t do it again.”</p>
<p>Jack grunted and asked.</p>
<p>"That's 'Maze' for 'there's some chance he could actually have won.' High praise, indeed." To Teal'c, "you are not badly injured?"</p>
<p>"I am not. I would be willing to participate in a rematch in the future."</p>
<p>Mazikeen just smiled in return. </p>
<p>Jack shivered. "No translation needed. I'm glad you guys are on our side. Or at least you're helping us get out of here."</p>
<p>Teal'c asked, "are you <em> sure, </em>Colonel O'Neill?"</p>
<p>"It's all Piña Colada's over here. That's the one we picked this week, isn't it? Can't we just stick with the same word each mission?"</p>
<p>Daniel groaned. "Pine. Non-duress is 'pine.'"</p>
<p>"Maybe I just want a tropical fruity drink. How am I supposed to work <em> pine </em>into a sentence?"</p>
<p>Teal'c relaxed slightly. "I know where the gate is."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Fine. I'm taking off the end chapter count, because who knows at this point? Daniel Jackson is DEFINITELY getting a 'd-nickname', I just haven't decided what. </p>
<p>Also, thanks dear readers for coming along on this ride.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Am predisposing Lucifer to dislike people named Daniel? probably. </p><p>I might be misremembering when Carter got her promotion to Major, but I don't think it has happened yet. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me.</p><p>If you made it this far, I value your time and patience, thank you. I hope it has been rewarded.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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